Posted in Fun & Humour

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand the meaning of “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”. And only then will you be ready to take on China! Believe me…you WILL understand!!!

Here it goes…The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & a room-service agent in China…

Room Service: “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.”
Room Service: “Rye, Roon sirbees… morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?”
Guest: “Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon & eggs.”
Room Service: “Ow ulai den?”
Guest: ” …….What?”
Room Service: “Ow ulai den?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?”
Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.”
Room Service: “Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?”
Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”
Room Service: “Hokay. An sahn toes?”
Guest: “What?”
Room Service: “An toes. ulai sahn toes?”
Guest: “I…. Don’t think so..”
RoomService: “No? Udo wan sahn toes?”
Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means.”
RoomService: “Toes! Toes!… Why Uoo don wan toes?… Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?”
Guest: “Oh, English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RoomService: “We botter?”
Guest: “No, just put the botter on the side.”
RoomService: “Wad?”
Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.”
RoomService: “Copy?”
Guest: “Excuse me?”
Room Service: “Copy.. tea… meel?”
Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”
Room Service: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy… Rye?”
Guest: “Whatever you say.”
Room Service: “Tanjooberrymutts.”
Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I did say “By the time you read through this… YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’ 

Posted in Fun & Humour

I Never Take Risk

This is the English translation of the famous comic poem in Marathi “Mi Kadhi Risk Ghet Nahi”. It literally translates to “I never take risk”. It was penned by the poet Taliram. 

I had come across this poem long ago and found it really hilarious. And it brings a smile on my face every time I remember it. Read it aloud and enjoy! Hope it brings a smile on your face as well. 

I never take risk while drinking 
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking 
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen 
I stealthily enter the house 
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard 
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame 
But still no one is aware of it 
Because I never take risk…

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink 

Quickly enjoy one peg, wash the glass and again keep it on the rack 
Of course, I also keep the bottle inside the cupboard 
Shivaji Maharaj is smiling 
I peep into the kitchen – Wife is chopping potatoes 
No one is aware of what I did 
Because I never take risk…

I: Any news on Chopra’s daughter’s marriage 

Wife: Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. They are still looking out for her 
I come out again; there is a small noise of the black cupboard 
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle 
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink 
Quickly enjoy one peg 
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink 
Also I keep the Black Glass in the cupboard 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Because I never take risk…

I: But still I think Chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much 
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 years old…like an aged horse 
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh… 
I again take out potatoes from my black cupboard 
But the cupboard’s place has changed automatically 
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink 
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly 
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo
And keep it in the black cupboard 
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Because I never take risk…

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue…! 

Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly… 
I take out the bottle from the potatoes 
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg 
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack 
Wife is smiling 
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Because I never take risk…

I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!! 

Wife: Hey ! go and sprinkle some water on your face… 
I go to the kitchen again, and quietly sit on the rack 
Stove is also on the rack 
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside 
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink 
But none of the horses are aware of what I did 
Because Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk.
Chopra is still cooking 
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing 
Because I never take……..what???

Posted in Fun & Humour

A Score of Math Jokes & Puns

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?
– Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?
– It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
– It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?
– It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?
– Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?
– They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?
– Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?
– The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?
– A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?
– Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?
– Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.
– But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?
– Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. How do you stay warm in any room?
– Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

15. Why is six afraid of seven?
– Because seven eight (ate) nine!

16. Why DID seven eat nine?
– Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

17. Why does nobody talk to circles?
– Because there is no point.

18. What do baby parabolas drink?
– Quadratic formula.

19. How do you get from point A to point B?
– Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

20. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Posted in Fun & Humour

Daddy !

A small kid asked his mom – Mom – how do you always know how to solve my problems ,?? 

Mom replied …. well you know God makes us take an exam to be able to know and solve all your problems before we become mummy . Only when we pass the test we become Mom !!!

The kid gave a knowing smile and said – I understand… If you fail in the test you become Daddy !

Posted in Fun & Humour

Letter From My 3 Months Old Son to My Sister

Dear Bhua,
Hope you and Phumphosa are keeping good health and enjoying your life in Delhi I am fine here and having a good time with papa and mummy.
You will be happy to know that I have grown a little taller but haven’t let myself become fat like papa-mummy. You know I always want to be in shape. Don’t mind but I will not like to be as fat as you.

I have made some new friends all around the house. In papa-mummy’s bedroom where I spend most of my time, I have made so many friends. On the eastern wall there is a baby playing in roses. Oh yes ! I had to change the pen because the other one was giving problems. Nowadays they don’t make things of good quality it seems. I guess the scenario is worse in Delhi – How do you manage?

Anyway I was telling you about my friends. There is another one, a nice baby, so much like me, lying on the weighing scale. Then the musical stuff toy which you gifted me has also become my good friend. He often sings to me and I like it very much.

But most favourite of my best friends is the ceiling fan. I can watch it for hours and he keeps me engaged whether he is moving or still. I talk to him loudly and then papa-mummy feel so happy. I guess they also like my friends.

In the drawing room there is a boy in dhoti which my Dada has sent. He taught me to suck my two fingers so whenever I am hungry I start sucking my fingers. My parents have a tough time removing my hand from my mouth but I enjoy it a lot so I just ignore them and continue sucking my fingers. 

Yes, the ceiling fan of the hall is also my good friend. Sometimes I watch TV when I am in the hall but the moment my parents come to know that I am watching TV they either put me at some other place or switch off the TV. 

Let me tell you something very interesting I am very fond of playing at night, where is my parents want to sleep at night but since I am awake either one or both of them have to be awake with me. They scold me everyday for staying up so late but the moment I smile at them they forget all scoldings and hug me. 

I have started saying “mum…mee” and whenever I say so mummy become so happy. She wants me to say again and again but then I know how to keep my importance so I also do not say it again. I am telling you all this in good faith you should not share all this with my parents. 
One day papa mummy took a lot of snaps of me and send it to all the family members but the next day Dada called up and scolded papa. Since then he has not dared to take another snap.

I love both papa and mummy. While mummy takes good care of me whole day and at night also because papa sleeps saying he has to go to office next day – I wonder what is so exciting at office that he goes there everyday – even on weekends. 

Papa also loves to spend time with me. I generally wake up when he returns from office and then I give him the opportunity to spend time with me. 

Nowadays the weather is very pleasant and it rains every day. I want to enjoy the weather but my parents force me to wear warm clothes and always have the blanket on. But the moment they put the blanket I throw it away with my legs. 

That was a lot about me you tell me about yourself. Hope you are taking good care of Phumphosa. I am waiting for your Rakhi and papa-mummy also. They have got a gift cheque for you (lucky you !) but had to take it in Phumphosa’s name as you might not be having account in your married name. 

Ok now I want to sleep and I am feeling a little hungry also and I can see mummy coming to feed me. So bye and keep writing.

Lots and lots of love,
Dhruv

Posted in Fun & Humour

Fun With English

A lot has been spoken about the English Language. Sometimes it could be funny and at other times it can simply intrigue you. For example, you might have already heard about the sentence “A quick brown fox jumps right over the lazy dog” which contains all the letters of the English alphabet.

Similarly, there is something interesting about the below sentence –

I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications and incomprehensibleness.

Now here is the interesting part. This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 Letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.!!!!! See it once again below –

I
do
not
know
where
family
doctors
acquired
illegibly
perplexing
handwriting
nevertheless,
extraordinary
pharmaceutical
intellectuality,
counterbalancingin
decipherability,
transcendentalizes
intercommunications and
incomprehensibleness.

Isn’t this interesting?

Posted in Fun & Humour

Paraprosdokians : Expect the Unexpected

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. 

Winston Churchill was a great fan of these. Here is one from his many..
“You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing — after they have tried everything else.” —Winston Churchill

Here are some more interesting ones…
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
25. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Posted in Fun & Humour

Dilbert’s One Liners

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
And the Best!
31. All the desirable things in life are either Illegal, Expensive, Fattening or  Married to someone else!